I can't say this anywhere. No private posts, no passwords.
I'm such a fuck up.
An affair with an unmarried man. 7 months. He never loved me. Never made any promises. How could he? Why would he? A wealthy, self-made man. A man from so far away. A celebrity.
He wanted me to play with.
I let him.
What seemed so genuine at first became so flawed. But that man was the turn that started scraping away at my conscious. Nothing but a series of romantic, overly flirtatious texting, something forgiveable, became me in white sheets, 10 hours from home, having sex with someone I knew would never love me.
And I didn't care.
I didn't care when he called me late at night, to talk me into things I've never done over the phone.
I didn't care when he came here, and I met him in bed again. Again and again.
Why didn't I care? Why didn't I value my marriage more than that? Why didn't something STOP me?
I got too close. I knew what it was; what WE were. We. Were. Nothing. And yet it hurt to let it go. To have him agree to walk away from me so easily. He just walked away.
What hurts worse? Falling in love, I fear, with a local man. A man that fell in love with ME.
Even worse? Having THIS man walk away, for fear of loving me TOO much.
He actually said that.
We are both married. Both with kids. Both with entire worlds to lose. So I get it. I get it. And I never anticipated falling for this man. Why would I? He's normal. Not a celebrity. Not a game changer.
But I did. And he is. A real game changer.
I let him see the ugly parts of me. And he fixed them.
I could care less about the sex. I miss his touch. His words. His smell. Taste.
I am a cheater.
I committed adultery.
And what did I do when he said he needed to stop seeing me, because he was afraid?
I texted the shitbag other man.
Of course, he didn't respond. He won't until he's out of LA, away from his girlfriend. I am the other woman. He wants me when he wants me. He knows I'll come running. He's likely right. Actually, he's 100% right.
I need rehab.
Who would have thought, 3 years after my own husband cheated, after I saw and lived firsthand the devastation, that I would be the one committing such heinous acts?
The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.
I have been indifferent to my husband for 3 years.
My lover, I felt something. I FELT again.
God damn it.
